This March I am filled with all kinds of different emotions… Besides our families and a few close friends, no one even knew we were expecting… but we were. This month would have been the month we welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world. However, God’s ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts. With heavy and sorrowful hearts, we said goodbye to our sweet daughter Grace on August 23rd.
For some of you this may come as a huge shock. It was for us too. Quay and I decided it was best for us not to announce our pregnancy until we had reached the second trimester because we had miscarried before and didn’t want to run the risk of everyone knowing if things went south. We did reach the second trimester, but not by much.
We found out we were expecting in early July of 2013 and at that point I was about six weeks along. We were thrilled! I don’t think I will ever forget the day we found out we were going to be parents. I’ve always had the desire to be a mom, and I could hardly believe it was happening. I had miscarried before in March of last year (2013) and at the time I had no idea I was even pregnant. So to be pregnant again and after battling endometriosis for years we were overcome with thankfulness that I could/was pregnant. We found out two or three weeks before we were moving to Minnesota, so not telling anyone (except our families) at that point was easy. When we moved to Minnesota on August 1st it was as if my tummy had just ballooned and you could finally see a baby bump! This warmed my heart in ways I can’t even express.
It was our first few days in Maple Grove when we made an appointment with the doctor to see our baby via sonogram, at this point we were about 8-10 weeks along. I was all kinds of crazy nervous/anxious/excited to see our baby for the first time! Being able to see our daughter for the first time was one of the happiest days of my life. I will never forget that day… We were looking at the sonograms of our sweet baby when I looked over and saw a worried look on the sonogram tech’s face. My heart sank because I knew in my soul something was very wrong. A few minutes later the doctor came in the room and told us that our baby’s heartbeat wasn’t normal or strong enough and because of her weak heartbeat she had stopped growing at 5 weeks and the chance of survival was very slim. As she spoke the words my heart literally sake. I wanted to faint and throw up all at the same time… But the only emotion I could muster was tears. I never would have dreamed that what was supposed to be one of the most exciting days of our lives soon became our worst nightmare.
As the month of August dragged on we prayed and pleaded with the father to intervene and heal our unborn child, however, every doctors appointment reveled that our daughters heart condition wasn’t getting better…
At our last doctors visit the sonogram reviled that our baby’s heartbeat was at 40 beats per minuet and dropping… Seeing our tiny baby’s heart beat from her itty bitty chest broke my spirit in ways I can’t explain. The suspense was literally torcher. It was like a ticking time bomb. We didn’t know if our child was going to live or die, and as much as we loved her we were helpless to keep her from passing away… One week after our last appointment, Grace went to be with the Lord.
As Quay and I were going through the loss of our daughter I felt a worldwide of emotions. I was angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, devastated, sick, depressed, confused… I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that God gave us this precious gift only to take it away three months later. As much as I love the Lord, I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t upset with God, because I was. I was down right pissed at one point. I can remember weeping bitterly in my bed one night asking the Lord all kinds of questions that consisted of “why did you let this happen?” “why did you drag out the process?” “WHY would you keep taking our children from us?” in my questioning the Lord’s will, I heard a still small voice whisper ” You are MY child, I don’t harm my children. Find rest in me.” As I heard the words I could feel the warmth of the Holy Spirit comfort me as I wept and peace swept over my weary body. Even though I couldn’t understand at the time why God had allowed this awful thing to happen, I was reminded that God loves Grace more than I ever could, and his allowing her to die wasn’t to harm me, He knew what was best for us and Grace all along. “God being unfair” was simply a lie from the enemy…
Now that you know our story, I want to tell you my reasoning for posting such a personal blog…
1. To be an Encouragement
As I stated before, I really struggle with people seeing me truly vulnerable, and I am realizing that God doesn’t want me to be that way, It’s OK for people to know, it’s OK for people to pray for you. I want to encourage anyone and everyone who has miscarried or lost your child/children. I want to pray for you and encourage you in any way possible. I know your hurt, and I know that God is BIG and he CAN heal your hurt. Sometimes we question our circumstances which can results in us questioning the Father. God understands you more than anyone and He understands we question our circumstances at times, but His love for us never changes, it is steadfast and faithful. His mercies are new everyday and his grace never runs out.
2. Every Child Has a Purpose
“A person is a person, no matter how small.” – Doc. Seuss. This statement could not be more true. No matter how big your baby was or how far along you were, a person is a person, and having a living human being inside of you that passes away is devastating. It’s perfectly natural and ok to grieve and miss your baby. Every parent loves their kids. I think there will always been part of me that is sad around the Holidays and birthdays, because we are missing a member of our family. Grace will always be a part of who we are and God has used her death to teach us so much… Even though her life was short, she had a purpose and God used her to teach us so much about Himself.
3. There Is Always Silver Lining
When we become parents, our whole idea of God’s love changed. God sent his only son Jesus to die on the cross for us. No matter how “good” we are or how hard we try to follow the rules, we still wouldn’t be good enough to be with God because of our sin. Jesus could though, so he took our place. This blows my mind because I don’t know that I could do that. I didn’t want to let Grace go, I wanted her to be with me always, I wanted to love and snuggler her, to kiss her boo boos and protect her as much as possible, but God sent his son willingly because without Jesus’s death, I couldn’t have a relationship with the Father. God sent his son to die for ME and for YOU so that we could enjoy Him forever. The beauty of this story is that Jesus arose from the dead after three days. So even though God sent his son to die, Jesus wasn’t dead forever. He AROSE! In this whole process I have realized that God allows hurtful things to happen to us, but it’s always for our good. When you think about how much you love and adore your kids and would do anything for them, remember that THAT is how God feels about you.
Even though this has been an emotional draining time in our lives, I am thankful for it. We have learned and grown so much during this season of our lives. As much as I love my sweet daughter, I wouldn’t wish her back for all the snuggles in the world. The truth is, the first thing she ever saw was the face of God, and that is comfort enough for me.
Thanks for reading my emotional novel. I hope that it encourages you and helps you see just how much God loves you!