"Make waves". What does this even mean?
Well, for me it means a lot. Since I was a child I’ve always pictured hard decision making a little like this... I see myself standing on top of a cliff, like the ones in the Scottish country side and down below lay the chilly waters of the North sea. I imagine the wind is tossing the waves as they crash against the rocks and there I am contemplating if I want to jump into the dark waters. As I am deciding what to do I am torn, jumping off looks like fun, but my brain can’t shake the fears of not knowing what’s at the bottom. I look at the water for a few more moments and then walk away. As I am walking away, I turn around, burst into a full sprint, and plunge myself off the edge. On the way down I cross my fingers, close my eyes, and hope I miss the rocks at the bottom.
If you know me, I pretty much make all my decisions this way and have always had this exact imaginary scenario in my head each time. I am always afraid to leave my comfort zone and weigh all the options in my head. I force myself by jumping in hopes that it's all going to work out and most of the time it does. Just as my feet leave the comfort of the ledge I always get this sinking, terrifying and debilitating feeling on the way down and just as I hit the water instead of drowning, I surface gasping for air. All the fear I felt melts away leaving me with the satisfaction of knowing that through Christ I can be brave and make the biggest waves the ocean has ever seen. At this realization, I relax and let the waves take me wherever they may.
This week I did something I never thought I would never do. As I was pondering and praying about what decision I was going to make, the exact picture above flashed in my mind and even though this was a much thought out decision, I knew the waters of the deep were calling my name.
I quit my job.
Well, I gave my notice. So, close enough.
Since I started my photography business I have been a part time photographer and full time nanny. I’ve always loved being a nanny and have enjoyed all the memories that have come along with the title. However, through a long chain of events, the Lord made it abundantly clear that He was leading my husband and I to quit our jobs and to move back home to Texas to be with our families. This was literally one of the hardest and most prayerful decisions we've made thus far. Being a nanny has given me so much purpose especially when I was grieving the loss of my own children. All of my nanny kids are special to me so closing this door of my life has been a really hard and emotionally draining. In fact, I sat and cried for a good forty minutes about it... On multiple occasions.
The optimist in me is excited to be a full time business owner, and to have been given the opportunity to be the free sprit I believe God created me to be. However, I am sad to be leaving almost a decade of giggles, pranks, temper tantrums, I love you’s, hugs and boo boo kissing goodbye. The emotional ties I share with my nanny kids are deep and my heart is literally breaking.
As I left the ledge this week to dive head first into the unknown waters of being a full time photographer and moving across the nation (again) I made waves. Waves of sadness, heartache, tears, joy, excitement, new possibilities, closing doors and new beginnings. As I am free failing it’s easy to think of all the fears and “what if’s” of the future, but as I fall into the roaring waves that catch my fall the things I fear will be only but a memory… In all my years of free falling I have always been caught and cared for, so there is nothing left to be afraid of anymore. Every wave that I’ve ever made from recklessly diving has made me who I am today and for that I am thankful.
I am sad about closing this chapter of my life, but oh so ready to make waves in the next chapter.